I had a fairy-tale childhood. I loved playing with my neighborhood friends, riding my bike to pool, and having fashion shows, but my favorite thing to play was house where I was always the mom.
For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to have kids. After my husband and I got married, it wasn’t long before we were ready to start our family. I am a planner by nature, so I was surprised when month after month passed, and I wasn’t getting pregnant. I wanted to be optimistic, but after a year of trying, I knew something was wrong.
One doctor’s appointment turned into another, and another, and we weren’t getting anywhere closer to a solution. Each test result came back as, “Unexplained Infertility.” It was heartbreaking; and so frustrating. “How are we going to fix this problem if we don’t know what it is?”
I was born to be a MOM, it’s all I ever wanted. I thought to myself, “Lord, I know you could give me a baby if you wanted to, so why aren’t you? I am a Christian, I have attended church faithfully my whole life. And I see where you have blessed others with babies…why not me?”
I wanted so badly to take control of the situation and fix it myself, do more research, find another drug I could take or another doctor I could see, but those things held no guarantees.
This wasn’t fair. I didn’t realize it then, but looking back on it now, I see I was at a crossroads…I could lean into myself and my hurt and my inability to fix the situation…
Or I could lean into God.
I don’t remember the exact moment, but somewhere along the way I thought, “God if I never get pregnant, you’re still God, and I know you’re good.” It was then that I found freedom. I began to trust God with no agenda.
I had to battle my mind and make decisions to trust God every day and choose to be joyful no matter what the outcome. I dug into the Bible to find scriptures and promises to speak over our situation; and as I leaned into these truths, I felt peace. No longer was my life about following Christian rules, making a plan, and doing the right thing. I gave up expecting to get what I wanted, the way that I wanted it. I gave up my plan on my timeline; and instead I trusted him. It’s not that I gave up my desire to be a mom, but in that moment, Jesus became the ultimate goal. If I had Him, I had all I needed. I had changed.
Here’s the thing. This is typically the part of the story where you’re waiting to hear me say that I became mom. And I did become a mom of two beautiful, healthy, miracle children. But if I’m honest, that’s not why I wanted to share my story. The real victory came when I chose Jesus. I’ve been a Christian my whole life, but through this journey I began to learn not just facts about him, but I really got to know him personally. I began to understand that God really, truly loves me. He is all I need. He truly satisfies my soul unlike any baby could have. And he can do the same for you.
One of my favorite scriptures I found during this time is Psalm 27:13-14, “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”